We don't live in a vacummm

Hi all, for the last few days I met and talked to a few friends, kak Z, kak ZP, kak E, of whom I am indebted. They shared, adviced, assisted me during my 'hard' time now. I found myself at the "no end" road, I am stuck and one of the reasons is because I am worry so much and I kept on worrying and thinking about my worries and I did not "DO" anything.... hope you can understand my 'crap' splurt....

I learned a few things from them of which I shall treasure wholeheartedly. Kak Z told me to start and keep on writing what she called free writing, no stopping, no editing, simply write and write. Kak ZB asked me to read banyakkkkkkkkkk to gain the skills and insights of getting my theoritical frameworks and as kak Z said, move on from my findings and bring it forward and out and try to put it in the right 'aliran' of which I'm still struggling, what is my 'aliran' a.k.a theory. Kak Z mentioned a few theories and the theorists of whom some are familiar and some are totally new to me, and being able to put my research and squeezed them in between of all these key theories. Wish me luck especially for the one who hasn't found her thories after 2 years in her journey of knowledge!!!! Personally, I learned that Phd is an individual unique experience and very much depending on your resources, be it financial, health, peaceful of mind etc. Some people are granted with some resources and limited with other resources. A is given with some resources, B is limited in other type of resources. So, no wonder one can finish in 2 years time and yet one took 6 years to complete. It all goes back to one analogy, don't compare an orange with an apple. In my case, I might not be good in my analysis, but I can highlight the richness of my data. I have to be "redha" with my lack of resources, for example, I am not good in english academic writing or in other word, not good in Australia Phd thesis writing so, I have to be 'redha' when it comes to time invested to complete my writing. There is no specific way of 'correct' or even 'good' writing, but I have to be able to highlight the uniqueness of my 'phenomenon' of study, the uniqueness such as culture and context, the different perspective we have as compared to those from other culture and religion. Kak E intellectual's input give me ideas on how to counter argue some of my supervisor's argument, that I'm looking from my participant's point of view, and Islam is embedded in our daily life, in our thinking, in our way of life, what we do and think are all related to that course, that's it. She also shared with me the importance of positionality in our research, the multilingualism issue in methodology, what is idiomatic and meaning based translation. Most of all, I appreciate some of the useful and beneficial references given by kak E, thank you my dear. I also learn from kak e and kak z the importance of triangulation, might take note on the ways to triangulate my research, of how to make it "traingulatedly sound", another important task worth doing, I guess!!! While sitting and reflecting, I think another reason for my 'laziness' is because of so much distractions nowadays, first of all I have holidays syndrome, campus is dead, no one is here, and most distraction of all is, all my families are here in Perth!!!! so, what am i doing in my office, I have to go out and spend time with them. So, trying to rationalize and justify my 'guilt' feeling by saying, I will start to keep up my 'working hour' once they got back, but when is that, 12th january and what do I do before that? Nothinggggg!!!!! So jem, where is that cool and secured feeling Jem??want to get that Jem back. To Allah, I prayed yesterday for the year end and new year supplication, and Perjalanan perlu diteruskan... Semangat perlu dicari... Usaha perlu ditingkatkan...Kejayaan pasti dikecapi.....insyaAllah.

p/s Photo courtesy of Shekeen, thanks sis!

words of wisdom from a friend; million of thanks

Kamek understand your journey kinek tok..........the toughest road. Noworry but hang on there and keep working. Klak you sendiri terkejut what Ucan do bila dah habis tulis. I am glad analogy driving ya dapat nolong yousikit. Anywhere in phenomenology cam ya lah you expect to write. Sik dasigek penulisan atau buku atau example yang perfect untuk panduan u nulisthesis secara phenomenology sebab setiap phenomenology approach sangatsubjective, specific to its contact, culture and even every subject,kitakenak highlight ke unikannya.So my suggestion,you kenak baca banyakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkpenulisan phenomenologist and learn the writing skill from there, journal,books or even story book!!! Lepas ya keep writing and re writing and rewriting quoting from my supervisors word masa kat NZ dolok. Once u sendirirasa puas menulis ya discuss with your supervisor. 1st step yang palingpenting ialah thema thema you answer your research questions and explainwhat you want to achieve in your study objectives. I started with coding,categories and themes and move forward and backward and sometimes back tooriginal codes many times. Yes its time consuming and mind boggling.Yes in writing take one step at a time. Mun U tengah nulis researchfindings you, focus tok ajak your reading, your searching , your thinking,your refelction. Jangan campur aduk dengan chapter lain.Another things, mun you rasa serabut, overwhelm or stuck up....no worry itsnormal process. Give yourself a break and go holiday with family. You willfeel fresh and rejuvenated when you return from your break and wow lekak ya best nulis.

Words to ponder

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

So, love the people who treat you right.

Forget about the one’s who don’t.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it is changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life is would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

- anynomous

photo courtesy of Miya

Supervisors:Phd life line?

People said Phd is very much depending on your supervisors, they are like your life line, talian hayat sehinggal berjaya dlm PhD. Btw, I have two active supervisors, A is my main supervisor and B is my associate supervisor, the post doesn't matter as the responsibility ratio is 100% each.

I had a hard time with B when I first came, for me B is less sensitive to an international student like me, she is "very australian" to me and unfriendly although she is a psychologist! A, on the other hand is very understanding, the fact that she's teaching cross cultural psychology and married with a foreinger do help! B almost withdrew from being my supervisor because we had a 'tough' time at first but I admit that B has her own strength in the sense that she gives very fast feedback and she is sharp and she is very particular. Hence, I decided not to withdrew her although I can if I want to, as I thought she is very good. After a while, we can lessen the gap between us and she seemed to understand and sensitive to my ways of doing things. I am happy with our relationship nowadays. On the contrary, I felt very helpless with supervisor A who is always busy most of the time as she secured thousand dollars grants, and always delayed in replying my emails and giving feedback. I was so frustrated recently as she forgot and could not recalled that I submit a 20-pages doc to her before I left for Raya and expected her to read and comments after I got back, that did not happened. I knew that she she can make herself available if I really need to see her, but I do not want to be so pushy and demanding. I am grateful that I can rely on supervisor B and thanks to Allah as I decided to have 2 supervisor instead of one, my life will be miserable if supervisor A is the only one, thanks God.

why? why?

I kept telling myself if I ever had the chance to turn back the clock, I could have gone somewhere else to do my PhD, US perhaps because I am sick of dealing with the red tapes in Australia.

I can list down all the things that make me 'sick' of the way the Australians were doing their work. As I was thinking all the hassles we faced, the issues are all centred around "money'.We were charged $110 when we vacant the previous house because it is a day before the lease ended. But the owner requested us to vacant the house earlier, how could the agent charged us instead? The child care charged my credit card eventhough I've paid cash, and they did not have the record that I've paid cash. The car rental company charged us a day extra claiming we returned the car a day late although we returned it on time. The debt collecter kept hunting us with letter and nasty phone calls claiming we did not pay the gas just because they did not liased with Alinta as our account is zero balance. Well, you see, all these are really taxing on our time. It could be considered miss communication but it tortured your life mentally and physically. You have to double check your statement be it the statement from credit card, the bank, the bills etc. You lost the trust, you might be charged on something unnecessarily, then all the forthcoming phone calls that need to be made, trying to reach relevant people, well....it's a never ending story. My hubby decided to terminate his mobile phone as he was charged unnecessarily stating that he took part in some sort of competition, and been calling a call centre. Well, later we found it was a scam and it is very difficult to get rid because the mobile company can't do anything about it, so, terminate and handle the hassle of having a new mobile number.

Recently I did a 'treasure hunt' trying to locate my registered letter from my sponsor. The letter will come every 3 months and I was expecting it to reach me early October. But after contacting UNIMAS, they confirmed that they had sent the letter in early September and I should have received it in September and not October. So, I ended up ambushing two post offices where we normally received parcel or registered letter and finally after being interrogating by the post office officers, found my registered letter lying in one of the post offices. My question is simple, how come I never received a card or notice stating that I've a registered letter to be collected? It was written on the letter that 2 notices were given in September and the final one in early October. So, did I missed the 2 notices? I have been receiving all my letters as usual, but I did not see any notice from the post office and as I was expecting the letter too, I kept checking my mail box in that manner. well, only Allah knows what happened but my hunch said that the postman simply forgot to leave any notice! Terrible!

After babbling all these, I asked myself, am I such a complainer? Well, I would say NO because what happened above make me 'sick' in the sense that we had a lot of counter check to do and it involves money and money is very precious. As I said earlier on, it tortured you physically and psychologically. Anyhow, I am always bersyukur, rezeki kami di bumi Allah ini, di Australia, semoga semuanya dipermudahkan buat kami dalam menghabiskan sisa sisa di OZ ini, amin.

p/s Thanks Miya for the photo

the come back

salam to all, to whomever care to read...

I felt like to write something today, felt like I have to "talk" and say something, therefore, thinking of my long left blog not dated.

Well...everytime I felt overwhelmed, my blog is always a 'place' to express my feeling, a journal to write my thoughts and overwhelm emotions...

I just got back from a long break for raya and as usual, after the fact, it's a lways a huge back log to be cleared and I have so much to do without knowing where to start and what to do first. Well, again, it is true, worrying is like rocking a chair, it gives you something to dwell with but it brings you no where. So, I should stop worrying and start doing something. But....this time around, another big challenge, I have to move, yes, move house agaiNNNN, so when am I going to do my work. We have to vacant the house by the end of this month, 31st October, greatt....on my birthday, we have to surrender the key, just could not imagine the caotic we are facing now, with 2 more weeks to go, we still could not find a house, we are still 'hunting' for one. Been busy viewing the house here and there hoping to find a nice, cheap and good located house. Well, pray to Allah that we'll find one very soon.

In the mean time, as usual, while facing the roller coaster in life, I always reflects on my hardship, challenges and think about others as well. Thinking that my hurdle is a disaster, others is worst. A house of our friend was broken into last week, he lost 3 laptops, with one just a few days old (brand new), some jewelleries, moneys and etc. Most important part is the laptop where our friend kept all his latest data/theses in that matter. He's supposed to finish in a few months time and all the updated one are in the laptop. May Allah blesses him and family.

Explanations of Singleness

Salam all...been busy lately with unfinished business of enormous data. I wanted to share my feeling of relief after seeing my supervisors last week, they successfully pointing at my biggest 'mistake' at this moment which is I was trying to do so many things at the same time. Most of the things I highlighted to them should be done at the next level of analysis which is interpretation part but I am still at my coding stage so I could not really focus at coding as I was busy doing the interpretation at the same time....isn't that terribel? No wonder I found out my mind is all over the place, just if you know what I meant.

Anyway, one of a very productive point of the meeting is to change the word REASONS of being single to the word EXPLANATIONS of being single as the word reasons reflects that the women are not married because of their decision, their choice as for my research the explanations can be many such as jodoh, qada & qadar, commitment, expectations, being cautious and ambivalent explanations. There are various inter-related reasons to explain their state of remaining single over the normal marriageable age.The singles are ambivalent because they are unsure or uncertain of what are the causes that lead them to be not married. With this, they will go to explain the notion of jodoh and qada and qadar to explain their current status.

"I don’t know what is the main reason why I single, unlike others. Frankly, I’m very open. I believe in fate as muslim. I told my friend that I’m still open, available; I’m not really into searching for a partner at this age. It’s unknown of our fate. If it comes, it comes, I accept, katalah sik ada, I sik regret"
It is apparent that though single women enjoy their personal freedom, they do not actually reject marriage. "Yes, Islam encourages man and woman to unite, but there’s no match, what’s there to do? I take things easily. I am not rejecting marriage or anti lelaki, I do mix around, but there’s just no one for me. Some people memang lari dari jodoh but not me, asalkan kita jaga dirik dgn baik, mun jodoh dtg, alhamdulillah"

Rather they are particular of when and whom to marry;

"Mentally la, you have to tell yourself that they is always somebody out there for you la. It just that masa belum ada la. I confident la, because my good example ada kat Malaysia bah.Umur 50 baru nya kahwin you know. Jadi kamek, selagi kamek belum tutup mata, adalah jodoh bagi kamek. Bagi kamek la.I keep on telling myself"

"I believe that God has created my match, berpasaang pasangan but maybe he’s already gone or died, or I’ll live alone for the rest of my life but I’ll meet him in another world, or maybe he’s alive but jodoh nya dgn org lain di dunia tuk , he’s already with someone else. It’s already fated. I can’t expect for him to exist again"

The word Qada(decree) and Qadar(destined) is very broad in concept, it brings the same meaning to some of the metaphorically statement given by the participants such as: "things happened for reasons, blessing in disguise, wisdom behind it, kun faya kun (what will be will be)".

And what more to say the notion of Jodoh;
"I had a few boyfriends who showed interest in me, but I didn’t pick them. That’s why sidak heran, nak kata sik ada look, ada, nak kata sik pandei, pandei, so, it came to one thing, you pemilih, I madah sik juak I milih, my ex boyfriend, engineer, ada juak kerja kat L.A, ada juak journalist, sik juak jadi. That’s why lah, kadang2 terfikir bah, kali menar kali, bukan jodoh you. Gene org lain, baru jumpa 2-3 hari lalu melamar, lalu kawin, sbb jodoh nya dah sampei, tp mcm kita berkawan2 lamak2 pun, sik juak jadi"

Wallahu'alam.

p/s thanks keen for your winter getaway photos