Explanations of Singleness

Salam all...been busy lately with unfinished business of enormous data. I wanted to share my feeling of relief after seeing my supervisors last week, they successfully pointing at my biggest 'mistake' at this moment which is I was trying to do so many things at the same time. Most of the things I highlighted to them should be done at the next level of analysis which is interpretation part but I am still at my coding stage so I could not really focus at coding as I was busy doing the interpretation at the same time....isn't that terribel? No wonder I found out my mind is all over the place, just if you know what I meant.

Anyway, one of a very productive point of the meeting is to change the word REASONS of being single to the word EXPLANATIONS of being single as the word reasons reflects that the women are not married because of their decision, their choice as for my research the explanations can be many such as jodoh, qada & qadar, commitment, expectations, being cautious and ambivalent explanations. There are various inter-related reasons to explain their state of remaining single over the normal marriageable age.The singles are ambivalent because they are unsure or uncertain of what are the causes that lead them to be not married. With this, they will go to explain the notion of jodoh and qada and qadar to explain their current status.

"I don’t know what is the main reason why I single, unlike others. Frankly, I’m very open. I believe in fate as muslim. I told my friend that I’m still open, available; I’m not really into searching for a partner at this age. It’s unknown of our fate. If it comes, it comes, I accept, katalah sik ada, I sik regret"
It is apparent that though single women enjoy their personal freedom, they do not actually reject marriage. "Yes, Islam encourages man and woman to unite, but there’s no match, what’s there to do? I take things easily. I am not rejecting marriage or anti lelaki, I do mix around, but there’s just no one for me. Some people memang lari dari jodoh but not me, asalkan kita jaga dirik dgn baik, mun jodoh dtg, alhamdulillah"

Rather they are particular of when and whom to marry;

"Mentally la, you have to tell yourself that they is always somebody out there for you la. It just that masa belum ada la. I confident la, because my good example ada kat Malaysia bah.Umur 50 baru nya kahwin you know. Jadi kamek, selagi kamek belum tutup mata, adalah jodoh bagi kamek. Bagi kamek la.I keep on telling myself"

"I believe that God has created my match, berpasaang pasangan but maybe he’s already gone or died, or I’ll live alone for the rest of my life but I’ll meet him in another world, or maybe he’s alive but jodoh nya dgn org lain di dunia tuk , he’s already with someone else. It’s already fated. I can’t expect for him to exist again"

The word Qada(decree) and Qadar(destined) is very broad in concept, it brings the same meaning to some of the metaphorically statement given by the participants such as: "things happened for reasons, blessing in disguise, wisdom behind it, kun faya kun (what will be will be)".

And what more to say the notion of Jodoh;
"I had a few boyfriends who showed interest in me, but I didn’t pick them. That’s why sidak heran, nak kata sik ada look, ada, nak kata sik pandei, pandei, so, it came to one thing, you pemilih, I madah sik juak I milih, my ex boyfriend, engineer, ada juak kerja kat L.A, ada juak journalist, sik juak jadi. That’s why lah, kadang2 terfikir bah, kali menar kali, bukan jodoh you. Gene org lain, baru jumpa 2-3 hari lalu melamar, lalu kawin, sbb jodoh nya dah sampei, tp mcm kita berkawan2 lamak2 pun, sik juak jadi"

Wallahu'alam.

p/s thanks keen for your winter getaway photos

terms and jargons

salam, dear all...I wanted to share some terms and jargons floating on my mind today, feel like to list them somewhere and finally decided to write them down here.

Malay jargons related to single study

andartu (old virgin)

andalusia (old maiden)

tak laku (not sellable)

jodoh (soul-mate as fated by God)

sebijak mana pun perempuan itu, tempatnya tetap di dapur (literally translated as regardless how smart a woman is, her righful place remains in the kitchen)

perigi cari timba (literally translated to English as 'a well looking for a bucket')

Islamic jargons related to single study

syurga letaknya di bawah tapak kaki ibu (literally translated as heaven lies under a mother's feet)

tiap sesuatu dijadikan berpasangan (everything is created in pairs)

jodoh pertemuan dan ajal maut di tangan tuhan (matters of death and soul mates are in the hands of God)

polygamy

misyar marriage

(glupp....what in the world is Misyar marriage? After doing some searching, misyar is a marriage arrangement where the husband is released from his responsibility to provide financially for his wife, with the consent of the wife. This arragement is suggested for wealthy single women who can afford themselves financially but need a husband to fulfill their biological and sexual needs).....sharing for the day, for the readers of my blog. Issue of single professionals are not married has lead to heated debates on how to "solve" the problems and brought about the suggestions of allowing polygamy and misyar marriages.

Did I miss any common peribahasa Melayu or jargons in our malay cultures? Do you have any other terms to add and comments? Please do so.

Stigma@Bias@Discrimination

Dear all, today I read across the excerpt from one of the transcripts, somehow, it tickled me about singles being treated unfairly at the workplace. I met a few singles talking about the mistreatment they received at the workplace, some mentioned about what I called 'universal' issue of gender bias, then some are going beyond the gender bias, single bias.....

"To me, being single, as a Malay lady, no limit, you can do anything as long as you know yr limit, keep on the right track, its ok, bukan faktor penghalang kpd kerjaya w/pun saya sik berkahwin. People are being negative but they never know that singles contribute more to the public, in this office, singles are on going working, sbb org kawin banyak commitment. Mcm lah single tuk sik perlu makan, minum, rehat, mcm machine. That’s why, dlm transfer, engkah nya jauh2 sbb nya single, that’s what happened to me, 9 years in B….., sik dpt tukar2, mun I di Kuching, lebih byk opportunity to further my study. Now meli rumah pun sampei pencen, I’m nearing retirement, yet my house purchase is still unsettled. They perceived single people are less important, as second class people, but they are the first class people to do their work. As in married people are allowed to take leave to take care of a sick family member, the privileges are not given to unmarried people. Furthermore, single people are taken for granted and posted to a far place, as if nya sik pandei sakit kah, sik ada mak bapak kah, yet I’ve been sent to B…. for nine years when I should have furthered my studies in Kuching.. Single people are treated as secondary importance, yet they provide the best service. Peoples’ mentality needs to be changed"

Descriptions of today’s single women around the globe are dated and stereotypical. In Malay culture, most people cannot accept the idea that a never married ‘normal’ woman could be happy and satisfied with her life. Clearly for most people and most cultures, marriage is a pre-ordained path, the preferred social status and the sanctioned way. Linn (1995) suggested women are trained to believe that a man needs a woman to be happy and a woman needs a child in order not to be dejected. She further pointed out that a woman who has no husband is worse than a man who has no wife. An unmarried woman without any children has no future, but a male who is not a father still has a future. Thus, women who have not married are often stigmatized and discriminated against.

Single Vs Janda

In the middle of my coding, I found few interesting singles' perception on being single;

a: To me the most important thing is that each day or each year we become a better person as better person. It doesn't matter whether you single or married.

b: So I think kalau you bawa diri you dengan betul takda masalahlah insyaAllah. Even kalau married women pun kalau tak pandai bawa kan..paling penting is how you carry yourself lah..

c: You know you still have your friend around you and what not.. so to me hah... I sik kisah...... I single so what? I'm not Janda or what, you know?

I was surprised to find the different 'visions' of the singles have in their life. Being Malay and Muslim, singles women are working towards becoming a better ummah, a good muslim by safeguarding their behaviors and conduct as mentioned by b, and also aim to be a better person each day as stated by a. C's statement is quite shocking because from her statement, single who have never married is better than janda. Let me quote results from study done by Stutzer & Frey 2003:

By the age of 30, singles who will marry report no different subjective well-being than those who will not marry. After 30, the prospective spouses are again a systematically more satisfied selection. It is unlikely that these selection effects can explain the entire difference in well-being between singles and married people. Until age 34, married people, on average, report higher life satisfaction scores than those singles who will get married later. As the gap between the two groups is substantial, it is unlikely to be due to time patterns in selection, i.e. due to the larger selection effects for those marrying at a young age.Besides selection effects into marriage, we also find evidence for selection effects out of marriage. People who get divorced were not only less happy during marriage but also less happy before they got married. So, does marriage make people happy or does divorce make people happy?

A janda is not to be perceived negatively just because she decided to end a marriage and fullly self satisfied with her decision and happy with it. Single or janda should not be labelled as negative as a muslim we must believe in things happened for reason, there's wisdom behind whatever happened, and Allah is the Most Knowing, He knows what best for us. Believe in Qada' and Qadar, percaya kepada ketentuanNya dan bertawakal.

p/s Picture shown flowers I received from my brother for Mother's Day, thanks bro!

Is single a 'monster'?

hehehehe, what an intrigue question for my entry this time yet, it is actually quite a 'common' statement, label, stigma, stereotyped, prejudice I might say that people have towards singles. I have a number of good friends who are labelled as 'fierce', as emotionally unstable person and this is personally intrigue me to do this research actually besides all the other academic merits, hahahha. So, how far it is true? What causes it? And does it really happening or is it just a myth?

Or does this has something to do with the biological make up of a women, the every month cycles and also the hormones turbulence? For me, it can be one of the factors because before I married, I had terrible PMS, now it is lessen.

Well, I don't have answer actually for all these question, and I don't know what is the answer. I just wanted to share a finding from an article: single women is more psychologically stress than single men. From personality p.o.v, single women are more intelligent, more open to experience and the never married single is more hostile and irritable :(
And this one finding is interesting, as compared to married women, the household income of the never married is less :( kuang, kuang, kuang.....emmmm...interesting, no wonder a single friend of mine always complaint of pokai, heheheheh study done by Marks, N.F, Flying Solo at Midlife: Gender, Marital status, Psychological Well Being, 1996.

My brother is a follower of this particular blog of whom he knows that the owner is a single Malay lady and she is "getting worst" in her entries nowadays, she is meant and 'not friendly' in her writing, so, my brother was asking me, how can he help her because "she is turning into a monster" day by day (direct quote) and remind us of a relative who is now helpless and 'shun' by other family members sort of. She is a very nice person before but she has changed a lot. There are actually so many other cases surrounding that tell us that this is actually happening but I do not know exactly why, wish I'll have answer so do you know why or at least have the assumptions of why is this happening?

western vs islamic

Today I want to talk about Western theory versus Islamic theory. A friend of mine addressing this issue that day and she mentioned about the sexual needs as part of Maslow theory and she mentioned about the importance of companionship. I personally had scribbled about this in my journal quite some time ago and I did quote about Maslow’s theory of biological or physiological needs, so, how do singles women fulfill these needs as it is just like eating, drinking and sleeping? For professional women the challenge is higher because they have to deal with men everyday at the workplace. In Islam, we are encouraged to puasa, zikr and solat. And the sexual gratification is fulfilled and halal through aqad.
Careful consideration of the Qur'anic injunctions and the traditions of the Prophet (peace be upon him) clearly show that marriage is compulsory (wajib) for a man who has the means to easily pay the mahr (dowry) and to support a wife and children, and is healthy, and fears that if does not marry, he may be tempted to commit fornication (zina). It is also compulsory for a woman who has no other means of maintaining herself and who fears that her sexual urge may push her into fornication. But even for a person who has a strong will to control his sexual desire, who has no wish to have children, and who feels that marriage will keep him away from his devotion to Allah, it is commendable. (I.Doi, A.R (2008).
So, if the condition of marriage is ‘wajib’ then it is the obligation of the person to get married just like it is obliged unto her to pray and pay zakat.
Western theory of partnership is very much related to the attachment theory, evolutionary theory and belonginess hypothesis and even in Islam, Allah has created men and women as company for one another, and so that they can procreate and live in peace and tranquillity according to the commandments of Allah and the directions of His Messenger. The concept of loved and to be loved is broad in this sense. There is a literature who mentioned about the differences between a single who has never married and a single who was married. Surprisingly, a single who has never married is a ‘strong’ woman because they are emotionally and economically more independent than a married one. And those who had married and then become single they are more emotionally dependent because they had experience the feeling of “being loved” in their marriage period. For the singles, the feeling of “being loved” maybe fulfilled when they are loved by parents, siblings, relatives and even friends and since she never experience the feeling of love between husband and wife, this is not comparable.

I remembered one time I argued with my husband about the attachment theory introduced by the western and I argued what do they know about attachment since car seat is compulsory in the west while in Malaysia, our attachment is stronger because we hugged, we carry the babies with us in the car, we ‘kendung’, we ‘pangku’ them because we don’t put babies in the car seat, we are more attached than the west, then my husband simply replied me, “jangan ikut sangat lah teori barat tu….” Sometimes, it is true lah, it is good for our knowledge and the world mundane, but as Muslim, most of the things are narrated in the sayings of the prophet and of course in the Quran. Maybe we just need to reflect more and at the first place how can we reflect if we don’t have it, so, try to understand what is in the Quran and also in Hadith. Take care all.

Unproductive Week

Today is Wednesday emmm felt like I did not accomplish anything this week, just felt so tired and feel like to relax and do not want to think about research.....well, I'm still at the first step of my data analysis, do not know what take me so long to go further, well, I admitted that I had been procrastinating lately, really? or maybe I'm giving excuse to myself to not do my analysis, the reasons are.....I guess, I have told you in my previous entry, juggling with english and juggling with the data. Well, I know I am not progressing "well", I wasted so much time already, I am not being productive and I did not see my supervisors for ages. I guess it is time to face the reality now, I better set up an appointment with them and get movinggggg, jem, be focus, be focussss, sesal dahulu pendapatan, sesal kemudian, tiada guna nya. Ya Allah, give me 'sinar' dalam menghadapi hari hari mendatang, amin.