Supervisors:Phd life line?

People said Phd is very much depending on your supervisors, they are like your life line, talian hayat sehinggal berjaya dlm PhD. Btw, I have two active supervisors, A is my main supervisor and B is my associate supervisor, the post doesn't matter as the responsibility ratio is 100% each.

I had a hard time with B when I first came, for me B is less sensitive to an international student like me, she is "very australian" to me and unfriendly although she is a psychologist! A, on the other hand is very understanding, the fact that she's teaching cross cultural psychology and married with a foreinger do help! B almost withdrew from being my supervisor because we had a 'tough' time at first but I admit that B has her own strength in the sense that she gives very fast feedback and she is sharp and she is very particular. Hence, I decided not to withdrew her although I can if I want to, as I thought she is very good. After a while, we can lessen the gap between us and she seemed to understand and sensitive to my ways of doing things. I am happy with our relationship nowadays. On the contrary, I felt very helpless with supervisor A who is always busy most of the time as she secured thousand dollars grants, and always delayed in replying my emails and giving feedback. I was so frustrated recently as she forgot and could not recalled that I submit a 20-pages doc to her before I left for Raya and expected her to read and comments after I got back, that did not happened. I knew that she she can make herself available if I really need to see her, but I do not want to be so pushy and demanding. I am grateful that I can rely on supervisor B and thanks to Allah as I decided to have 2 supervisor instead of one, my life will be miserable if supervisor A is the only one, thanks God.

why? why?

I kept telling myself if I ever had the chance to turn back the clock, I could have gone somewhere else to do my PhD, US perhaps because I am sick of dealing with the red tapes in Australia.

I can list down all the things that make me 'sick' of the way the Australians were doing their work. As I was thinking all the hassles we faced, the issues are all centred around "money'.We were charged $110 when we vacant the previous house because it is a day before the lease ended. But the owner requested us to vacant the house earlier, how could the agent charged us instead? The child care charged my credit card eventhough I've paid cash, and they did not have the record that I've paid cash. The car rental company charged us a day extra claiming we returned the car a day late although we returned it on time. The debt collecter kept hunting us with letter and nasty phone calls claiming we did not pay the gas just because they did not liased with Alinta as our account is zero balance. Well, you see, all these are really taxing on our time. It could be considered miss communication but it tortured your life mentally and physically. You have to double check your statement be it the statement from credit card, the bank, the bills etc. You lost the trust, you might be charged on something unnecessarily, then all the forthcoming phone calls that need to be made, trying to reach relevant people, well....it's a never ending story. My hubby decided to terminate his mobile phone as he was charged unnecessarily stating that he took part in some sort of competition, and been calling a call centre. Well, later we found it was a scam and it is very difficult to get rid because the mobile company can't do anything about it, so, terminate and handle the hassle of having a new mobile number.

Recently I did a 'treasure hunt' trying to locate my registered letter from my sponsor. The letter will come every 3 months and I was expecting it to reach me early October. But after contacting UNIMAS, they confirmed that they had sent the letter in early September and I should have received it in September and not October. So, I ended up ambushing two post offices where we normally received parcel or registered letter and finally after being interrogating by the post office officers, found my registered letter lying in one of the post offices. My question is simple, how come I never received a card or notice stating that I've a registered letter to be collected? It was written on the letter that 2 notices were given in September and the final one in early October. So, did I missed the 2 notices? I have been receiving all my letters as usual, but I did not see any notice from the post office and as I was expecting the letter too, I kept checking my mail box in that manner. well, only Allah knows what happened but my hunch said that the postman simply forgot to leave any notice! Terrible!

After babbling all these, I asked myself, am I such a complainer? Well, I would say NO because what happened above make me 'sick' in the sense that we had a lot of counter check to do and it involves money and money is very precious. As I said earlier on, it tortured you physically and psychologically. Anyhow, I am always bersyukur, rezeki kami di bumi Allah ini, di Australia, semoga semuanya dipermudahkan buat kami dalam menghabiskan sisa sisa di OZ ini, amin.

p/s Thanks Miya for the photo

the come back

salam to all, to whomever care to read...

I felt like to write something today, felt like I have to "talk" and say something, therefore, thinking of my long left blog not dated.

Well...everytime I felt overwhelmed, my blog is always a 'place' to express my feeling, a journal to write my thoughts and overwhelm emotions...

I just got back from a long break for raya and as usual, after the fact, it's a lways a huge back log to be cleared and I have so much to do without knowing where to start and what to do first. Well, again, it is true, worrying is like rocking a chair, it gives you something to dwell with but it brings you no where. So, I should stop worrying and start doing something. But....this time around, another big challenge, I have to move, yes, move house agaiNNNN, so when am I going to do my work. We have to vacant the house by the end of this month, 31st October, greatt....on my birthday, we have to surrender the key, just could not imagine the caotic we are facing now, with 2 more weeks to go, we still could not find a house, we are still 'hunting' for one. Been busy viewing the house here and there hoping to find a nice, cheap and good located house. Well, pray to Allah that we'll find one very soon.

In the mean time, as usual, while facing the roller coaster in life, I always reflects on my hardship, challenges and think about others as well. Thinking that my hurdle is a disaster, others is worst. A house of our friend was broken into last week, he lost 3 laptops, with one just a few days old (brand new), some jewelleries, moneys and etc. Most important part is the laptop where our friend kept all his latest data/theses in that matter. He's supposed to finish in a few months time and all the updated one are in the laptop. May Allah blesses him and family.

Explanations of Singleness

Salam all...been busy lately with unfinished business of enormous data. I wanted to share my feeling of relief after seeing my supervisors last week, they successfully pointing at my biggest 'mistake' at this moment which is I was trying to do so many things at the same time. Most of the things I highlighted to them should be done at the next level of analysis which is interpretation part but I am still at my coding stage so I could not really focus at coding as I was busy doing the interpretation at the same time....isn't that terribel? No wonder I found out my mind is all over the place, just if you know what I meant.

Anyway, one of a very productive point of the meeting is to change the word REASONS of being single to the word EXPLANATIONS of being single as the word reasons reflects that the women are not married because of their decision, their choice as for my research the explanations can be many such as jodoh, qada & qadar, commitment, expectations, being cautious and ambivalent explanations. There are various inter-related reasons to explain their state of remaining single over the normal marriageable age.The singles are ambivalent because they are unsure or uncertain of what are the causes that lead them to be not married. With this, they will go to explain the notion of jodoh and qada and qadar to explain their current status.

"I don’t know what is the main reason why I single, unlike others. Frankly, I’m very open. I believe in fate as muslim. I told my friend that I’m still open, available; I’m not really into searching for a partner at this age. It’s unknown of our fate. If it comes, it comes, I accept, katalah sik ada, I sik regret"
It is apparent that though single women enjoy their personal freedom, they do not actually reject marriage. "Yes, Islam encourages man and woman to unite, but there’s no match, what’s there to do? I take things easily. I am not rejecting marriage or anti lelaki, I do mix around, but there’s just no one for me. Some people memang lari dari jodoh but not me, asalkan kita jaga dirik dgn baik, mun jodoh dtg, alhamdulillah"

Rather they are particular of when and whom to marry;

"Mentally la, you have to tell yourself that they is always somebody out there for you la. It just that masa belum ada la. I confident la, because my good example ada kat Malaysia bah.Umur 50 baru nya kahwin you know. Jadi kamek, selagi kamek belum tutup mata, adalah jodoh bagi kamek. Bagi kamek la.I keep on telling myself"

"I believe that God has created my match, berpasaang pasangan but maybe he’s already gone or died, or I’ll live alone for the rest of my life but I’ll meet him in another world, or maybe he’s alive but jodoh nya dgn org lain di dunia tuk , he’s already with someone else. It’s already fated. I can’t expect for him to exist again"

The word Qada(decree) and Qadar(destined) is very broad in concept, it brings the same meaning to some of the metaphorically statement given by the participants such as: "things happened for reasons, blessing in disguise, wisdom behind it, kun faya kun (what will be will be)".

And what more to say the notion of Jodoh;
"I had a few boyfriends who showed interest in me, but I didn’t pick them. That’s why sidak heran, nak kata sik ada look, ada, nak kata sik pandei, pandei, so, it came to one thing, you pemilih, I madah sik juak I milih, my ex boyfriend, engineer, ada juak kerja kat L.A, ada juak journalist, sik juak jadi. That’s why lah, kadang2 terfikir bah, kali menar kali, bukan jodoh you. Gene org lain, baru jumpa 2-3 hari lalu melamar, lalu kawin, sbb jodoh nya dah sampei, tp mcm kita berkawan2 lamak2 pun, sik juak jadi"

Wallahu'alam.

p/s thanks keen for your winter getaway photos

terms and jargons

salam, dear all...I wanted to share some terms and jargons floating on my mind today, feel like to list them somewhere and finally decided to write them down here.

Malay jargons related to single study

andartu (old virgin)

andalusia (old maiden)

tak laku (not sellable)

jodoh (soul-mate as fated by God)

sebijak mana pun perempuan itu, tempatnya tetap di dapur (literally translated as regardless how smart a woman is, her righful place remains in the kitchen)

perigi cari timba (literally translated to English as 'a well looking for a bucket')

Islamic jargons related to single study

syurga letaknya di bawah tapak kaki ibu (literally translated as heaven lies under a mother's feet)

tiap sesuatu dijadikan berpasangan (everything is created in pairs)

jodoh pertemuan dan ajal maut di tangan tuhan (matters of death and soul mates are in the hands of God)

polygamy

misyar marriage

(glupp....what in the world is Misyar marriage? After doing some searching, misyar is a marriage arrangement where the husband is released from his responsibility to provide financially for his wife, with the consent of the wife. This arragement is suggested for wealthy single women who can afford themselves financially but need a husband to fulfill their biological and sexual needs).....sharing for the day, for the readers of my blog. Issue of single professionals are not married has lead to heated debates on how to "solve" the problems and brought about the suggestions of allowing polygamy and misyar marriages.

Did I miss any common peribahasa Melayu or jargons in our malay cultures? Do you have any other terms to add and comments? Please do so.

Stigma@Bias@Discrimination

Dear all, today I read across the excerpt from one of the transcripts, somehow, it tickled me about singles being treated unfairly at the workplace. I met a few singles talking about the mistreatment they received at the workplace, some mentioned about what I called 'universal' issue of gender bias, then some are going beyond the gender bias, single bias.....

"To me, being single, as a Malay lady, no limit, you can do anything as long as you know yr limit, keep on the right track, its ok, bukan faktor penghalang kpd kerjaya w/pun saya sik berkahwin. People are being negative but they never know that singles contribute more to the public, in this office, singles are on going working, sbb org kawin banyak commitment. Mcm lah single tuk sik perlu makan, minum, rehat, mcm machine. That’s why, dlm transfer, engkah nya jauh2 sbb nya single, that’s what happened to me, 9 years in B….., sik dpt tukar2, mun I di Kuching, lebih byk opportunity to further my study. Now meli rumah pun sampei pencen, I’m nearing retirement, yet my house purchase is still unsettled. They perceived single people are less important, as second class people, but they are the first class people to do their work. As in married people are allowed to take leave to take care of a sick family member, the privileges are not given to unmarried people. Furthermore, single people are taken for granted and posted to a far place, as if nya sik pandei sakit kah, sik ada mak bapak kah, yet I’ve been sent to B…. for nine years when I should have furthered my studies in Kuching.. Single people are treated as secondary importance, yet they provide the best service. Peoples’ mentality needs to be changed"

Descriptions of today’s single women around the globe are dated and stereotypical. In Malay culture, most people cannot accept the idea that a never married ‘normal’ woman could be happy and satisfied with her life. Clearly for most people and most cultures, marriage is a pre-ordained path, the preferred social status and the sanctioned way. Linn (1995) suggested women are trained to believe that a man needs a woman to be happy and a woman needs a child in order not to be dejected. She further pointed out that a woman who has no husband is worse than a man who has no wife. An unmarried woman without any children has no future, but a male who is not a father still has a future. Thus, women who have not married are often stigmatized and discriminated against.

Single Vs Janda

In the middle of my coding, I found few interesting singles' perception on being single;

a: To me the most important thing is that each day or each year we become a better person as better person. It doesn't matter whether you single or married.

b: So I think kalau you bawa diri you dengan betul takda masalahlah insyaAllah. Even kalau married women pun kalau tak pandai bawa kan..paling penting is how you carry yourself lah..

c: You know you still have your friend around you and what not.. so to me hah... I sik kisah...... I single so what? I'm not Janda or what, you know?

I was surprised to find the different 'visions' of the singles have in their life. Being Malay and Muslim, singles women are working towards becoming a better ummah, a good muslim by safeguarding their behaviors and conduct as mentioned by b, and also aim to be a better person each day as stated by a. C's statement is quite shocking because from her statement, single who have never married is better than janda. Let me quote results from study done by Stutzer & Frey 2003:

By the age of 30, singles who will marry report no different subjective well-being than those who will not marry. After 30, the prospective spouses are again a systematically more satisfied selection. It is unlikely that these selection effects can explain the entire difference in well-being between singles and married people. Until age 34, married people, on average, report higher life satisfaction scores than those singles who will get married later. As the gap between the two groups is substantial, it is unlikely to be due to time patterns in selection, i.e. due to the larger selection effects for those marrying at a young age.Besides selection effects into marriage, we also find evidence for selection effects out of marriage. People who get divorced were not only less happy during marriage but also less happy before they got married. So, does marriage make people happy or does divorce make people happy?

A janda is not to be perceived negatively just because she decided to end a marriage and fullly self satisfied with her decision and happy with it. Single or janda should not be labelled as negative as a muslim we must believe in things happened for reason, there's wisdom behind whatever happened, and Allah is the Most Knowing, He knows what best for us. Believe in Qada' and Qadar, percaya kepada ketentuanNya dan bertawakal.

p/s Picture shown flowers I received from my brother for Mother's Day, thanks bro!